I read the FT Weekend and this last para from an article jumped out at me. Its about an insight into a OW's mind and the moment when realisation dawn. It jumped at me, absolutely and totally. The words applied in its absolution.
"In the past after such occasions, Helen's focus is on Robert - why won't he give me a baby, but this time she talked about her friends' closeness. She could see that their intimacy had deepened and would continue to do so. And she had the thought that since meeting Robert - almost 10years earlier -she had become frozen in time.
A little later during dinner with her friends, she saw herself through their eyes - passionately involved with someone who was not real, and disengaged from the people that actually cared about her. She often thought that her fantasies of Robert might be keeping her from a husband and baby, but for the first time, she realised that its keeping her from the love of her friends. I felt sick with sadness thinking what I had lost."
Thats me. That was me. I compromised and compromised myself, changed and morphed into someone that sometimes I had not recognised. I allowed him to change me, it was done ever so subtely that I had not realised, maybe it was not him per se, maybe it was the situation itself, the affair, the OW syndrome, I wanted to be his soft place or maybe its my chinese nature, whereby it was drilled into me to give give give.
Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. I wanted a full time permanent relationship with a man that I love. Someone that isn't afraid of committment. Someone that loves me and want to share his life with me. That someone isn't him. He doesn't love me. I know that much. I used to have theories about this, but whats the point? It is what it is. I can't change a single thing about that. I am only grateful that my friends have not abandoned me because of this episode, I had realised how obscure I had become in their lives. I had been so out of touch with reality, now that he's been out of my life for the past 14months, I had rediscovered time, friends, self appreciation and hobbies.
Like I said previously, Chris and I had a talk yesterday evening. For the next 12months, I will go all out and try and find the ideal job out in Spore. The deadline is 12months. If after 12months I have not succeeded, I give up on Spore. In the meantime, this upcoming trip in April and subsequent trips, I will slowly have a look around and buy a small place in KL. This time its for keeps, it will not be rented out and its not an investment. Its my home, 2nd home.
I love London because of its culture and its diversity. I love the museums, galleries, the ballet, theatre, concerts,etc thats readily available and at hand. Whilst all that is true, I don't want to live here forever. A bolthole in London is enough for me. I understand that Isabella is a BBC and London will be her home and because of that I will spend time here too.
So. I will look for a place in KL. I will keep pedalling away at the bike until one fine day, its become second nature and I will no longer feel the pain. Easement of the pain. And its better to stay with the devil I know than the devil that I don't.